Treatment #3

Treatment #3 was Monday, March 29th. All went just fine, now I'm just getting as much 'life' in as possible in case some old (or new) side effects hit in coming days.

My mouth is already tingling so I started the Nystatin. Maybe I can buy myself a couple more 'ok to good' days if I treat the mouth sores early. My oncologist and chemo nurses had opposing opinions on this so I'm going with the chemo nurses since I like their opinion better.

Thank you to the group of 'Steelville 1992' girls that had presents delivered to me during chemo! What a nice surprise. I've already used the fuzzy socks, magazine and pillow scent. The hard candy came in very handy during treatment! Without it, it feels as if I'm chewing on metal for 2.5 hours. Today I made a simple P B & J sandwich and it tasted like I was noshing on my TV remote.

A friend took this picture, and by the way it was taken after treatment #1 before any hair said goodbye. My doctor and nurses were surprised at the amount of hair I still have though- and even said I may not lose much more. It is all fried and dead, mind you.

Here's hoping I feel good for days to come, and to eventually regaining my taste buds! :)

You knew we had to do it

Of all the years I've spent in Ozark Country, I've never taken one of the dorky old time photos. I have now.






And Daniel's fav

Ducks

We rode the ducks on the land and in Table Rock Lake. The kids are having fun and I've been feeling pretty good.



I don't know who created the Sleep Number bed and maybe they work for some people, but not for us. The kids have had fun choosing their 'number' of firmness or softness but I'm getting the feeling it's just a big air mattress under a sheet. We had it on a fairly soft setting and every time I rolled over I felt I was being catapulted off a trampoline through the night. It's bouncy. And noisy.



The girls spent their own money on pink 'quackers' when yellow ones come free with the ride. The proceeds go to the American Cancer Society.



Hope everyone is having a great weekend. :)

Branson bound!

Off to the land of guitar playin' and banjo strummin'! We've already booked seats to a few favorite shows and we may just have to ride a duck while we're there!



Talk to you soon!

P.S. If you leave a comment under Anonymous be sure to leave your name so I can write you back!

Yo Gabba Gabba

It was a ton of fun, but frikkin nuts with all those kids running around. I swear some four year old girl I've never met sat on my lap for half the show.

A lot of the songs involve hand, feet and overall body motions so you can probably imagine how crazy it got. In the seats..in the aisles... just everywhere.



We were on the main orchestra level of the Fox. After intermission all the characters entered from the back and we were right on the aisle. The camera wouldn't function fast enough for a picture...but Daniel reached out and touched Foofa, the pink flower bulb, and you would swear he just saw Elvis alive and well in front of him. He was screaming "I touched Foofa! I touched Foofa!" Oh, how parenting changes your life.

Noah and I in our DJ Lance glasses



Tons of confetti and balloons everywhere. We snapped this picture AFTER the show when there weren't 376 other kids and parents on top of us.



I'm so glad we went. I don't need to see another LIVE children's show for a while.



Dulled lower abdomen pain today but nothing unbearable. Hopefully I'll feel good this week through the next treatment. This Thursday's session has been moved to next Monday so we can get away for a few days. Yo Gabba Gabba!

Trip to the ER

Thursday night I was doubled over with pain in my lower abdomen accompanied by severe heartburn. Sometimes the two problems occur together, sometimes one at a time. By 9pm I literally thought I might pass out so we called the after hours number. My oncologist stated that this was not normal, and I shouldn't be uncomfortable a week after treatment. He told us to get to the ER pronto.

I had no idea how to even get in a car at that point. We had three children sleeping. I downed a couple Percocet and tried to dull the pain. We were up until 2am when I finally started to doze on and off. Stupidly- we did not head to the ER.

In 'normal' life I thought it was a good thing to try and wait until the morning and get into the doctor. When your child runs a fever at 2am, when you feel like crap late a night- it's fairly normal to try and tough it out until you can get into your normal physician the next day. We've taken Noah to the ER once or twice; it's not as if I'm opposed to it. I basically tried to tough it out and figured my own oncologist would want to see me the next day.

You probably already realize- I called him the next morning and was reprimanded big time. By then the heartburn (that's what I'm calling it, and I've had stomach issues since high school but it's not true heartburn. It's a nightmare and I wish for the days that Maalox or some prescription at least took the edge off) had dulled and the lower abdomen (it feels like my ovaries are exploding) pain had subsided. I was told the cancer center is not equipped to run needed tests or check out symptoms such as this- symptoms that may or may not be related to each other. My doctor demanded that I get to an ER.

So, we spent Friday in the ER- I was given intravenous drugs for what they called nausea. I can't seem to convince anyone I AM NOT NAUSEOUS. I have been controlling that with medication. It is a horrible, horrible burning at the top of my rib cage, a bit lower than the middle of my chest. They had me drink Maalox mixed with Lidocaine to numb the pain- something I could have done at home. Since my ovaries (I'm telling you that's what it is. Two distinct stabbing pains) weren't flaming up at that precise moment, they wouldn't even look into it for me. My blood work and other specimens looked fine for someone on chemotherapy.

By the time I was dressing to leave that evening, the 'heartburn' was already returning. I love ER people, I know they do a good job. I know they're great at emergencies and everything they touch. I am just frustrated that my lower abdomen pain couldn't be investigated- when I know it is going to come back, and already has. I'm frustrated that I can't get an answer on the 'heartburn' near my ribcage and left there diagnosed with Gastritis and told to double my dose of Prilosec every morning. Maybe that's all it will take- and if so- great. I'm down 12 pounds since the beginning of chemo.

So, lesson learned. The next time I'm told to get to the ER I will find someone to sit with three kids at 2am, anty up the $150 copay each time and go. I now know the importance of going during the heat of your symptoms so they can check them out properly.

I've been taking five to seven hot baths a day the last few days trying to soothe the pain- something is just not right. Daniel ran out late last night to get me a new heating pad. This all on the same evening we had just returned home from the ER. Today the pain is still there as usual, but it is dulled and I pray it stays that way or better yet- disappears. I love my gynecologist and hate to involve yet ANOTHER doctor but if the 'lower abdomen' pain persists to the point I want to pass out again- I am going to contact him. Nobody else seems to have any answers for me.

Again- that's partly my fault for not getting looked at when I should have. So, no need to preach at me about that. Next time I will go when the pain gets that bad. I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to tough it out. Apparently not.

The time line on this is probably a bit confusing so I'll sum it up:

Thursday 6pm- Lots of pain. Noah's late bday party- I'm on the couch in a ball.
Thursday 9pm- PAIN. Kids in bed. Call made to after hours number.
Friday 2am- PAAAIINNNN- Should have gone to the emergency room. Like a stubborn crazy person, I did not.
Friday 9am- Call cancer center. Practically get cussed out. Told to get to the ER.
Friday 10am- Able to stand for first time since Thursday evening. Went to ER. Spent the day there.
Friday 6pm- Home from the ER. In a lot of pain. Take one of many hot baths. Daniel buys a heating pad. Doze on and off that night. Awaken to dulled pain.
Saturday - Dulled pain, typing on the blog.

By Friday morning I was able to stand so I took a shower. About half my hair came out in the shower just before the ER visit (you know..how mom told you to always wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident? I just HAD to shower before going in!) I'll post a picture eventually- but literally about half of it came out in clumps. It was one of the freakiest experiences of my life. The hair on my head still looks pretty normal though! Prayer of thanks for lots of follicles...my wigs are ordered but have not arrived yet.

Big thank you to Kristi Kendrick, the girls' mom, for scooping up Noah and keeping him overnight...where he apparently puked most the night. He had a ton of fun with his sisters and basically did not want to leave when I went to pick him up. I hope he didn't run you ragged and I'm happy you all had fun. Mommy sure missed him.



On that note- Yo Gabba Gabba tomorrow! If they have to wheel me in on a stretcher I am getting to that show tomorrow after church. A lot of you probably don't even know about these odd, creepy creatures but Noah loves them and it's the only show he asks for by name. Elmo, Sesame Street, Mickey Mouse- he can take or leave right now. Muno, Foofa and Plex? They're his buds.



I'm thankful to get my mind off this and have time with the family tomorrow. :) We did reinstate our Branson trip so I'm thankful for no chemo this week; it is pushed back a few days when we return. Have a great weekend everyone.

A semi-positive note

The thrush still looks horrible, but it feels a bit better than it did. Today I had a sandwich and milk! I will try eating something for dinner shortly.

To all the well-intentioned people advising me to eat yogurt because it interacts with and chases away thrush- I hate yogurt. I know you mean well but back up off me people. :) I hate yogurt almost as much as I hate frogs. I hate the sour smell and the slimy texture. I feed it to my son and I practically have to hold my nose. So thanks, but no thanks. I'll keep downing the Ny-asty.

Tuesday held some severe body and bone aching. This was new to me. It's like I get a whole new set of side effects after each treatment. The aching continued through today but has calmed down in the last hour. I know some men read the blog so I don't want to freak anyone out (stop here men) but it feels like my insides from my belly button down are being yanked right out. It's painful. I'm sure it's normal but I guess I'll make a call tomorrow to find out.

Did you know during my only pregnancy I didn't call my doctor once with questions or concerns? At about the six month mark he got my husband aside and asked if I was shy (not) because he hadn't seen a first time mother without any questions. So, I feel like I'm banging down this cancer center's door with complaints but they harp on me to do just that. When the pain hits a certain level, yes- I call.

One thing I'm happy about through this time is that if anything, this has caused several of my friends and family members to schedule doctor appointments that they otherwise wouldn't have. One friend was impressed with my primary physician and met with him herself! My sister in law hadn't been feeling well for a while and met with her doctor. I'm not sure I influenced her, but for one reason or another she made an appointment. After testing she was told she has Stage II cervical cancer; it has spread from the initial site. She is 25 years old. Her surgeries, hysterectomy and treatment begin soon. Daniel currently has a wife and sister with cancer.

Next week is spring break and we planned on heading to Branson for a weekend. We canceled the trip, unable to predict how I would feel. As I sit and type this- I'm reconsidering. We desperately need a break. The trip conflicts with my treatment but I know they can move chemo a few days for these situations. If I miss next Thursday I should actually feel good for the trip that weekend. I may just include that discussion in my call tomorrow.

Noah says hello!

Ny-asty

I'm still taking the Nystatin, or Ny-asty as I've come to call it. I can't get the taste out of my mouth. It seems the entire inside of my mouth has turned white now from the thrush. It's not quite as painful as yesterday so I'm hoping that is a good sign. I'm still unable to eat or drink much but I'm trying to get down small bites and drink water.

My hair started coming out in droves on Noah's birthday. Not exactly clumps, but extreme excessive shedding. I'm not sure how much longer I can let this go on. Until now I've slept very well but I was wide awake at 3am last night. I'm not sure if it was one of the many medications, hair in my mouth or the husband's snoring. I had to find a soft hat to put on to cease ingesting hair!

I'm forcing myself to find something positive about these days, and I'm thankful the extreme fatigue hit on Sunday but basically went away after that. I'm very tired, but it's not the heaviness I felt two weeks ago for five straight days. I'm thankful my husband takes such good care of me.

Looking forward, I hope to view Noah's future birthdays with an enhanced celebratory spirit. I would never take away from his day, but this time next year I hope to look back, remember this awful time, and know I made it through. :)

Noah turns 2 today!

The little boy is officially two years old. I've been sad that I can't celebrate with him right now. We got a cake and balloons (his present is Yo Gabba Gabba Live next weekend when I'll hopefully feel better) and meant to throw a small 'party' last night when we still had the girls- but it just didn't happen.

The mouth pain is enormous and I called and headed up to the cancer center yet another Monday following chemotherapy. They took another look and I have sores, bleeding, thrush and rawness from my tongue, gums and jaws back to my throat. The medicine they put me on two weeks ago must have done nothing.

I told them, again, that I can't eat or drink like this- much less sleep at night with the pain. They took me off the pill I'm on and prescribed Nystatin. I have to swish and gargle as long as humanly possible, then I swallow the junk.

The lidocaine they had me on earlier only lasts for 20 minutes; just enough time to force down a meal. It isn't meant to correct the problem or get to the root of the issue. The Diflucan I've been on for two weeks simply did not work so we're now worse off than we were two weeks ago.

Hopefully I have the right script now, and it will do its job. More positive posts to come, I promise. :) Looking forward to the 'good' days returning, hopefully right around the corner!

Randomness

Hello,

It's the weekend after treatment so I don't have much to say. I'm fighting off nausea, fever and tongue/throat/jaw burning. I've begun to realize that water can cure just about everything! :) I'm trying to avoid that horrible flaming sensation in my mouth again after this treatment but it's lurking. I constantly have water in my hand because I have myself convinced that the more I drink, the faster the drugs swirl through my system, get the job done and get the heck out of there.

T-shirt from my friend Emily:



Since nobody can tell me how I got this stinkin' disease, I've taken to blaming random things around my house. This week I took a good, long look at that Veet in my bathroom I used to use on my legs. Maybe it's the culprit.

Then I dug through my pantry and checked all the ingredients on those water flavoring packs made by Wylers and Crystal Light. I drink the tar out of those things. Maybe that's what did me in!

Ahhh...who will ever really know. Life is full of unanswered questions, huh? Hodgkin's is a pretty rare form of cancer, striking about 1 in 25,000. If I keep this up I'll be picking apart my closet, medicine cabinet, pantry and fridge for quite a while.

Have a good weekend everyone. :)

This is what CANCER looks like :)

First, a picture of my beautiful nurses. There is such thing as chemo brain, just like pregnancy brain so I hope they forgive me if I get their names wrong but starting at the left it should be Mary, Katie and Luci. I hope I spelled them right, and got them right at all. Luci had cancer herself and was treated in the same facility.

I would take a picture of the treatment room but that would violate ALLLLL kinds of HIPAA guidelines. :)



And the cancer center- it's just a building attached to regular doctor's offices. I like that I don't have to go to a big scary hospital every time!



Now the full body shot...cancer is YELLOW! Sorry for the glare, it came out that way no matter what I tried.



Don't worry, yellow in the brain and groin area is normal. I about FREAKED when my entire brain and groin area were the same color as my neck and chest areas. But, you should be able to see the cancer on both sides of the neck, and the spreading into the chest.

You can even see that MY left is more cancerous- hence the lump found by my massage therapist. You may need to tilt the computer screen just right to see it correctly- I did.

I'm leaving this picture large so you can see the detail. Largest area of cancer is again my left side- lymph nodes.



Again, left large to show detail:



So there you have it. Hopefully when treatment is over- what seems like forever away right now- we'll have some 'comparison' pictures that I can post of before and after!

Chemo Thursday

Hello,

Today's session went fine and was a bit shorter at 2.5 hours. During the first session there were delays in administering a few medicines to ensure I didn't have a reaction. Today I got them all one after the other.

The nurses are wonderful (I have to say that because they now have this address!) I asked for my file so I could get some cool pictures for you all. I have some pictures of my PET scan although most of them came out with a glare. I've been sleeping since I returned home around 1pm and it's now 8:30pm.

The drugs are swirling and whirling around in my system and I've just about stopped peeing red from the Adriamycin, I believe. It looks like red kool-aid being shot into me. I'm a little loopy and just need rest. I hope to bounce back tomorrow and feel good for a day or two before I really get smacked in the face again. I'd like to get the girls out to a local parade this weekend so cross your fingers!

Trying to eat and keep liquids down. I hope to post the pictures tomorrow. Thank you all so much for the kind words and support. I wouldn't write this blog if I got no feedback because it would feel like it was going out to la la land. :)

Oncologist appointment 3/8/2010

Hello everyone,

I'm very thankful to feel good this week- and it's easy to say right now- but after last week I hope to never take plain old energy for granted again.

I'm supposed to meet with my oncologist before every chemo session (every other Thursday if you've been paying attention.) But, on Thursdays he holds office hours in Lake St. Louis and my chemo is in St. Charles. Apparently now that my file is the size of an encyclopedia they can't transfer it to another office. So, I'm unable to see the doctor on Thursdays- long story short. It would save us one of the horrid co-pays if I could do chemo and the appointment in one shot, but I guess not.

The point is- I saw him Monday. They aggressively snatched some skin off my finger to test my CBC...complete blood count. I have to say, cancer is actually kind of spoiling me. No more waiting days or weeks for test results! They are always on top of it! They practically followed me from the lab into my exam room with my stinkin' blood levels.

I was hoping to give my new port a work out; I mean that's what it's there for. I got a little bossy and said "Use my port. I numbed it and everything." I was so proud. They use it to actually draw blood- but the CBC requires such a small sample they just pricked me instead. Ok, fine... have it your way.

Let's see, they mainly check for three things. White blood cells and platelets are very important but I don't remember what the third one is. Something equally important, let's say. Everything has taken a severe hit as a side effect from the chemo, and that was expected. My white blood count went from a normal 10.8 to 3.5. after just one session. OUCH!!! So, I just have to be extra careful about germs. Try that while being around snotty toddlers and two school aged girls dragging some bug into the house every week! :)

They will not administer chemotherapy if my count falls below a 3.0. They will test me again tomorrow right before my session, and if it falls too low you just get sent home! Another option is the nasty Neulesta shot each week to boost the white blood count, but those are not fun. They shoot it somewhere in your back and it can cause severe bone aching for days. No thank you. I'm praying I hang out at the 3.5 for the duration of my treatment.

What else- Oh, I asked the doctor what my life will look like this time next year, and five years from now. Of course our goal right now is to beat this, but I really needed a snapshot of my life going forward. He said assuming we get the cancer now with chemo and radiation (and as aggressive as ABVD is, that's an assumption for now. Some do not respond to chemo and move on to stem cell/bone marrow transplants but we won't focus on that right now!!!) I will have examinations every 12 weeks for the next five years. I will also have CT/PET scans once or twice a year.

If we get the cancer now, and no lumps, concerns or cancer are found in the next five years- then I will go to a once a year appointment and full body scan.

Many people respond to chemo and radiation and go into remission for 20+ years. We all probably know that some relapse several times. He told me it is crucial for me to stay on top of things and regularly check myself for anything out of the ordinary. It's kind of funny- lymph nodes are ALL OVER your body so he said I need to be feeling and examining everything from my face to my ankles! Again, the radiation puts me at risk for secondary cancers, so regular female health visits and breast exams are crucial (due to the localized radiation on my neck and chest.) I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to check my own lungs for cancer- that will be a challenge. :)

I'll be honest, the secondary cancer piece of this really ticks me off. I've got one cancer I'm going to have to watch for the next 50 years, but now I'm susceptible to several more, just because of my treatment??? Are you kidding me? There is quite a bit of debate surrounding radiation because it is basically used as insurance. The chemotherapy should kill the cancer. In laymen's terms, radiation just hunts down any 'baby' cells that may be lurking, whether they are really there or not. Some doctors don't prescribe radiation at all, and stop after chemotherapy. Many patients get second and third opinions before making these decisions.

Daniel and I are in the mindset to hit this as hard as possible the first time around, so we're going to do it. I'm still ticked though.

COMPLAINING ALERT
My doctors certainly want me to be optimistic, but they warn against expecting my life to return to 'normal' after treatment. 'Most' cancer patients, and I use that loosely, get cancer at an older age therefore endure the after effects for a shorter time. Having to watch for 16 different cancers (ok that's an exaggeration) for the rest of my life is not something I'm thrilled about. Staying positive is crucial of course, but taking a moment now and then to be realistic is equally important.

I'll quit whining now. I have life!

We're going to choose to be thankful that radiation (and chemotherapy) even exist at all and can hopefully stop the cancer in it's tracks the first time. We'll just do all the monitoring (and praying) that we need to going forward. I'll get over it.

Hair usually begins to go between session 2 and 3 so this will be interesting. They told me to expect a constant 'too tight pony-tail feel' as a sign it's coming. Ladies, you know the feeling I'm referring to. Nice. I've decided if it REALLY starts coming out I'm taking scissors and giving myself an (inch or so long) pixie cut for a while to see what I look like with SHORT hair. We'll see-

Oh, did you know that many patients claim the hair on legs and underarms usually hangs on for the ride? Spring is coming, can I catch ONE break please, follicles???

Chemo in the morning! I'm going to see if my nurses will pose for me so you can meet them. Happy Wednesday everyone!!!! :) :)

Compilation of thanks

I chose to title this blog with how thankful I supposedly am, but I've neglected to mention my thankfulness since. So, here's a compilation of thanks:

I'm thankful that:

My puggle loves me whether I have hair or not! By the way, I still do.

After a few gruesome days I thought would never end, I started feeling better again. Even the worst 'crisis' is temporary. It has a beginning and it always has an end.

I can still sleep on my right side comfortably even if the port prevents me from lying on my stomach or left. I'm truly thankful I'm sleeping well at all because some don't!

For friends and family. Goes without saying.

I don't have to spend any more money on flavored sparkling bottled water now that I've bought a 40 pack from Costco and know how terrible it is. I'll stay hydrated on regular water, thank you.

Modern medicine and research. Without it my story would end very differently! Pick a cause, go out and SUPPORT it! :)

My friend Colleen is coming over Monday night with one of my favorite pizzas!

My son is too young to remember this time in our lives. The recurrent check ups, scans and screenings will continue throughout my life, but if we can get this right the first time he won't remember the effects of chemo and radiation. I realize they have to rid me of this right now but I have faith it will get done. After that- Relapse? Not in my vocabulary.

Our girls are old enough to understand this without being too scared.

My compassionate husband offered to shave his head when I lose my hair. I told my sister- I took him up on it until I realized- Wait a minute, I'll be the one looking at him all the time. I politely replied, "No, thank you. Nice gesture though."

My mom is still alive to tell me it may get harder before it gets better, but everything will be ok.

All of you for your comments and support!!!

That's all I've got for now. I'll try to post more 'thanks' as I think of them. I don't want to be one of those people that acts thankful but really uses it as an opportunity to complain- so the above statements truly are things I'm thankful for. I left a few 'iffy' ones out. :)

Oncologist appointment Monday morning and chemo on Thursday! I'm ready to tackle the week!

Hair everywhere

After my last one or two DOWNER posts I wanted to log on for a moment to post some good news.

I feel GREAT today! I feel almost normal, and just in time for the beautiful weather this weekend.

My friend Gwyn mentioned on facebook (I'm surprised my spell checker doesn't recognize that word with the site being such a sensation nowadays) that she was heading down to the Moolah Shrine Circus parade today so I wrote her and said "I'm coming with you!"

We took the kids and had a great time watching the (fake) animals, shriner cars and floats in the parade. We grabbed lunch out and our toddlers got to know each other better. What a cutie little RJ is!

I returned home about 3pm to find a package from Gwyn in my mailbox. Had we known we were getting together this weekend she could have saved the $3.09 in shipping, huh? She sent me some gift cards, a cute petite sized (yet somehow fancy) word search book and a book of useless information (I'm not being rude, that's the title of the book) that I can take to chemo to pass the time. Somehow, it felt like Christmas opening that pretty flowered package!

Thanks so much Gwyn.

Guess what else I got in the mail today? HAIR SWATCHES!!! Yep- nothing like opening your mailbox to find a Ziploc bag full of hair. I ordered a 'color ring' from a wig company I've decided I like (see #5 in the wig pictures..although many of you contacted me privately this one definitely got the most votes.) Anyway, I now have in my possession every single color they sell and I'm very excited about making a selection this evening. Never did I think my idea of a hot Saturday night would be picking out the shade of my new wig. When you send the color ring back they refund your money or apply it toward the wig purchase.



You may not be able to tell but there are well over 100 colors on this ring. Everything from Java Frost to Vanilla Lush and Creamy Toffee. Starbucks run, anyone?

What about the nice ladies at the wig shop down the street that told me not to put my head in the oven, you ask? Those stinkers spent over an hour with me trying on different looks. They were so gracious and helpful and I'm very thankful for their assistance. But, let's cut the bull here. Their wigs are almost double the price for the same, exact company, style, make, brand and size you can buy online. I'm not going to pay $350 for the same wig (identical..same brand name) I found online for $168. I've been torn for weeks on this because I want to support this small business and I want to thank those ladies for helping me make a decision. So, I compromised when my sister in law was in town last weekend and we paid the nice ladies a visit. We chatted some more about new head wraps and scarves they received recently. Then- I purchased a wig 'starter' kit there complete with a mannequin (so the wig holds its shape) wip shampoo, wig conditioner and a special wig brush. This all cost $40. So, I feel good about buying something from them (that I STILL could have gotten online for half the price.) I just can't give them my $350, I'm sorry ladies.

For no real reason, here is a pic of our kids and all the Kendrick cousins- in one place, at one time. Such a rarity! Noah and Izzy (far right) look more and more alike all the time. Have a great weekend everyone. :)

She's a Brick.........HOWse...!!

My butt planted on the couch each evening and during nap time? Not a good look. That's how I've felt all week.

Have you seen the new Jenny Craig commercial with Valerie B. lugging around bags of..who knows what, something... to represent the extra fat she's lost? That's how I feel. No, I don't feel fat. Although the water retention and bags and bags of fluid they pump into me seem to hang around for days and that can't help anyone's body image. No, I feel weighed down. When I saw that commercial I thought- that's it. I feel like I'm carrying 40+ pounds of bricks on my back at all times. I just can't shake it.

Last night loading dishes in the dishwasher about had me breaking a sweat. I got frustrated, and have never been a violent person but for a split second I wanted to smash a casserole dish against a wall. But------ my God reminded me He is stronger. Stronger than me, and stronger than this cancer. I gently placed the dish in it's rightful spot.

I'm hoping this is just my body reacting to the first treatment (that was now over a week ago.) Maybe I'll acclimate and handle it differently next time. Some people feel worse as time goes on, but I have read of people that had the hardest time with the first few treatments.

Enough for now- I hope you all are doing well. I decided to post an 'old' photo for what many bloggers refer to as Flashback Friday! Some of you have seen these but I like them.

This is our attempt at home made 3d glasses for the girls during the Miley Cyrus 3d concert on TV a couple years ago. Don't try this at home. It did not work:

Big thank you

Big thank you to everyone for all the gift cards and nice letters I'm getting in the mail!

Big hugs and thank you to my brother and sister-in-law for visiting today and bringing me tons of yummy meals for the family. We will eat them up. The cake from the Amish community was sliced into before you were out of my driveway. I stopped for one moment and thought- I should wait until everyone is home. I realize cancer drastically impacts the entire family but for one split second I let myself say:

"You know what? I'm feeling like crap. I've got this disease in my body and I'm working hard to attack it. I deserve a piece of cake." So I ate it and it was good.

Thanks again.

Today? Hiccups. The severe, weird hiccups that come through your back and make you feel like your eyes may just pop out. No fun- but this too shall pass.

Going to rest a bit- just wanted to put out a quick thank you. :)

Awake

Not much sleeping going on right now. My husband is trying to help out around the house more, but sometimes he picks a midnight to 2am time slot to do all the shuffling around. Add to that, reflecting back to the Target post, that the generic Breathe Right strips were not worth the money. Hence- I'm awake.

My throat and jaw felt a little better during the day today...yesterday...whatever day it is. I used the mouthwash and it helped some but you have to hit the sore areas just right in an allotted amount of time before this thick stuff just congeals on your tongue, scarring your taste buds for what seems like forever. I feel like a contortionist but I still haven't gotten the process down just right.

I did go up to the cancer center to get checked out (wasn't this supposed to be my off week I was looking so forward to?) They see the beginnings of thrush so I got another prescription to add to my collection. They were very happy I came in before it overtakes my mouth or causes mouth sores. I now have pills for thrush, and three different mouthwashes to use and alternate throughout the day to stave off infections. I can't even use Scope regularly so I'm not sure how all this is going to work out.

There's a financial lady at the center that always tracks me down to talk, and I saw her today. I've tried hiding from her multiple times, but have you seen an IV pole lately? I can't fit behind those things. There's nowhere to go and she always corners me. The good news is her entire job is to help patients find programs and hidden money. Today she told me about a supermarket (of sorts) for cancer patients where you go and pick out food for free. It's in the city, but many people use it and rave about it. She also had me sign three or four papers and said I'd be getting a check for $150 soon. I don't know why, or even who... or what organization is sending it. For all I know I threw it out with the junk mail.

I realize I usually wear one of my trademark track suits up for chemo and some appointments, but I began to wonder if I had POOR stamped across my head or something. Today I realized she just does this for everyone. What a nice lady.

Ok I'm going to try to rest now. I hope everyone makes it a great Wednesday-

Cathy

Magic Mouthwash

Yes, there is such a thing and I'm picking mine up shortly. I hate to start this post on a down note but I'm in a lot of pain today.

Saturday evening some family members took us to dinner and I got Steak Diane. The seasoning hit me strangely, I took a nausea pill and shortly thereafter my throat started to burn. This has continued throughout the weekend (and yes I do have a direct line to an on call oncologist after hours and on the weekends but chose not to use it) and by this morning it was getting downright unbearable. Tylenol, Percocet- nothing I have for pain is touching this sucker. The inside of my throat and entire jaw line feel like they're going to explode.

I called the cancer center and they wanted to get me in to check for thrush. I told my friend Paula- what am I.. a six month old?? Anyway I should have gone in but I told them I was busy with my toddler and his friends and it would have to wait until tomorrow morning. Big mistake.

This afternoon I feel like a full fledged fire eating woman and I need some help. My sweet husband is making the rounds at his job asking anyone who even looks like they know someone with cancer if this is a common side effect and what we should do. All, including my nurse, say yes it is a horrible side effect of the Bleomycin in my ABVD concoction of chemotherapy. For some reason I felt a bit better that I didn't bring this on myself with Saturday night's dinner. They still wanted to see me before calling in a prescription. I was fine with that until about 30 minutes ago.

I have been unable to eat or drink all day. It just won't pass through my mouth onto my throat. The time on this blog always posts weird, so I'll just tell you it's now 4pm. The thought of spending the evening like this makes me want to cry so...

I got to thinking- my doctor and his nurse are there to help me, right? I'm not one to call and DEMAND things but dag it hurts! So I called up there, my nurse was busy so I said to the receptionist:

"Look, I haven't eaten or drank all day. That can't be good if I'm supposed to stay extra hydrated on chemo. I know they want to see about thrush first and maybe that would change the prescription they would give me but right now I just need at least SOMETHING to help me because I don't think Chloraseptic is going to cut through this mother!! It hurts so much it's unbearable to talk to you!"

So, the nurse called me right back and had already called in the prescription. My son is STILL napping (rough weekend?) and I'm writing this to make time pass before I get my butt up to the pharmacy. I heard the word lidocaine and something that sounded like biscuit. I was just overjoyed to hear they called something in so I deleted the message and everything else is a blur. It could be kool-aid for all I know. Who knows what it is but I just hope it works.

Magic Mouthwash comes in different forms depending on the doctor's orders. It usually includes a mixture of lidocaine, mylanta and benadryl with a few other drugs thrown in for flair. The pharmacist usually grabs the ingredients and whips it up right there. Since my throat is so sore, I not only have to swish I have to swallow some of the junk. Wish me luck!