Papa John

So, Sandra B. adopted a baby and kept it a secret. Good for her. For adopting, and for not calling the crazy paparazzi for publicity.

Treatment #5 tomorrow. It's going to go well, I just know it.

Last time I spoke too soon on the mouth sores; they did pop up about a week after treatment. They weren't unbearable though- and remedied after a few days with medication.

I have (guesstimate) about 30% of my original hair. Some of it is still hanging on so I haven't cut it all off yet. It's almost an experiment now to see how I might go bald naturally... I presume. Temples- gone. Big ring under both ears around the back of my head- gone. Crown on the back of my head- gone. The rest is kind of splotchy but still kinda there. I can no longer pull off the headband and am in full hat mode.

Papa John's pizza tonight for the oldest and the youngest



The middle child (Kayla) is at camp this week so we won't see her for 10 days!!!

So, here's the crazy puggle.



Hoping for a great infusion tomorrow. Will update soon-

Thank you so much for all the support. :)

Cup Stackin'

I had not truly lived until I experienced an elementary school cup stacking tournament. Wow. These kids mean business. While I feel our daughter does it for fun and sport, and many others do as well... some are downright professionals in the making... complete with stage parents.

The accelerated arrangement, re-arrangement and demise of those little plastic cups. The sound of them rising and falling in a fury. Children of all ages- building towers (3-6-3 and The Cycle are the main ones) then slapping them down neatly in one swift move. All with cups. The slapping of the timer on the mat to record the score. Who knew this was a legitimate kid competition?

We were there by 7am on a Saturday. So, once again I neglected to bring my camera. I have no pictures and you must just take my word for it. One of the stage parents surely would have knocked me out of the way as I was clicking anyway.

Cool dude in his sunglasses with Gogurt- a staple in our house. Healthy, and mommy doesn't have to spoon it. No mess. Perfect for toddlers.



His love for a few months now has been watches... so he has his own (cheap) collection. Just like daddy. But, he does also love reading. :)



Love the look over the glasses



Been thinking about my dad...I remember pieces of his treatment for cancer in the 80's and early 90s, but will never truly know what it was like for him personally. As I drag some evenings to color in a simple book....I wonder how many times he really didn't feel like playing with me... but he did anyway. Always.

The many nights I asked him to chase me around the house... and he would stomp around the dining room china cabinet and I'd hear the precious, heirloom dishes rattle. Just to give me a big laugh as a child.

A friend recently mentioned my dad's big Chevy, Ford...whatever brand at the time...trucks. Every single school snow day? He was loading me in that big truck and taking me "to town" for powdered donuts and Casey's pizza. We were snowed in, we needed supplies! What's more important than soda, donuts and pizza? In the snow he'd pull that big truck up to a friend's front door, bang on it and throw her in as well. He knew how much fun I'd have...snowed in with M & M's, donuts and pizza with a friend to sleep over on a precious, hard earned snow day. Then he'd chase us around the house, scare us silly and that china cabinet in the dining room would hold on for dear life.

Thankful tonight for family...Gogurt, toddler watches, sunglasses and even competitive cup stacking. :)

Anticipatory Nausea and Chemo Scars

Day 8- feeling pretty good. I've been uncomfortable the last few days to the point that the old 'healthy' Cathy would have been popping Tylenol (headaches, back pain, flu like symptoms and nausea) but now I know these are actually good days. I'm thankful I haven't had any overwhelming side effects from treatment #4.

I have developed anticipatory nausea. Yep, it's a real condition. Me puking in the treatment room? Anticipatory. Me seeing a red Glade scented liquid plug in on the kitchen desk every day and having a physical reaction because the shade of red liquid is just like one of my chemo drugs? Anticipatory. The last three evenings I haven't visited my lymphoma web site because reading some of the information there (the names of my four drugs typed out, stories of the chemo smells) sends me to bathroom to get sick. Strange, but true.

Typing about this makes the back of my throat tingle.

My mind is telling me I'm just fine. I go through each day, playing, reading, working, resting, talking and functioning. I drive to chemo and while I don't look forward to it, I don't usually dread it. I know it has to be done; so I just do it.

However, my body presents with nausea and unfavorable physical reactions to various things that remind me of chemotherapy. Uncooked ground beef smells JUST like chemo drugs to me. Gas fumes at red lights, and on the Grant's Farm train smell just like chemo drugs to me. These are not cool places to get sick to one's stomach.

It's like being pregnant, X 1000, but without the positive outcome in 9 months. What a crock.

Some info here: Anticipatory Nausea

We threw out the Glade air freshener. Bright red kool-aid and soft drinks are not welcome here. Many patients develop severe cases of this and spend the evening(s) just before treatment severely ill.

As for the chemo scars, they started appearing weeks ago. I don't think anyone has an answer on these crazy things. They are dark, oddly shaped lines that form on your body as a sign to say "Hey everybody! In case you couldn't tell by my hair loss, puking, and overall crappy mood- I'm a cancer patient! I'm enduring chemotherapy right now!!"

I have one on my outer thigh. It's a long, straight line that almost coincides with my outer thigh muscle so I choose to view it as a highlight of my (non) muscle tone. Kind of like how they spray tan actors to make them look like they have a six pack stomach. Last night I took time to fully investigate my back, front... everywhere and I found the oddest egg sized circle just between my stomach and my back. These scars darken and lighten occasionally, and I'm not sure they go away after treatment.

So, I'm hanging in there. Luckily all the nausea medications I take at home work very well. The aching is toning down a bit so I'm hoping to feel like myself for this rainy, stormy weekend. :)

I'm five days past treatment and feeling pretty good! I'm always afraid to say that- I posted a few weeks ago that I was feeling great and was hit with horrible side effects three days later. So, it's still open for discussion but I'm thankful I've had a few good days following treatment. Another plus... this is the first time I haven't gotten mouth sores!

I'm pretty sure my eyebrows are falling off and I'm not thrilled about that. I can buy fake eyelashes if needed but pencil doesn't quite look the same.

My next appointment is a big one. I'll meet with my oncologist, have treatment and meet with the radiation team to outline a plan. I hope everyone is having a great week!

Trying to feed a goat that wasn't hungry



Grant's Farm





Another goat... and still not hungry



Fun times!

Treatment #4

Before I begin posting, I must tell you that I've had a couple questions about my prison stay-due to the previous blog where I was bashing chemo. In the post I stated chemo is a two faced friend..and at some point had probably helped me move, read at my wedding or bailed me out of jail. :)

I found the question comical, and NO I have never been taken in by the Po Po. No friends read scripture at my wedding either- because we eloped! So in case anyone else was wondering, these are merely examples of services a close friend might perform and no, I'm not a criminal.

Treatment #4 didn't go so well. I was glad to have my friend attend and that took my mind off some of the crap going on around me. Unfortunately about one hour into treatment I got violently ill.

Many of you have seen a NASCAR, or another form of car race on TV at some point, right? I'm really showing my hoosier side here, but bear with me. I've caught a few seconds of them while flipping channels, and have been dragged to several of these events by friends years ago. You know those little men that run out and whip the tires off the cars, change them...and basically give the car an entire tune up in 30 seconds flat during the race? They move so fast you hardly see them. Well, my nurses are my own personal pit crew.

Once during treatment I mentioned my left arm was aching. In one swift move three nurses suddenly surrounded me, unplugged my IV pole, detached the current medication, flipped my chair into a reclining position and placed a wet wash cloth on my head. They moved so quickly, and in this case they were concerned about the medicine's effect on my heart. Yesterday I mentioned I was feeling nauseous and suddenly fans, wash cloths, three varieties of suckers, ice and crackers were presented to me. They take these things very seriously.

It was too late. Luckily I made it to a private restroom and spared myself some embarrassment. I don't believe it was the actual medication. I've developed an aversion to the smells in the chemo room. They pull up with big trays of huge shot looking things to pump into the tubes leading to my port. When they administer the medication there is a distinct 'cleaner' type smell and this time my stomach started churning. Better luck next time..... maybe I'll pack some Vicks Vapor Rub to sniff.

You've probably heard me complain about the price of some of my prescriptions. Just before treatment I filled one of three nausea medications I'm on... the one I take in the treatment chair. Three pills are $75, my cost with insurance. I came home and cried to Daniel "I JUST THREW UP TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!!!" Luckily, he didn't see it that way and just hugged me.

When I entered the field of counseling many, many people told me "It takes a special person to do that." Some people meant it as a compliment; some didn't and it was hard not to be put off by that comment after a while. They might have just said "You're a crazy fool for going into that nut job of a profession."

Now I'm a big fat hypocrite. I remember sitting in my car the morning of that fateful birthday massage. I watched people of all different shapes and sizes, with varying levels of cleanliness enter that spa and thought about the massage therapists "It takes a special person to do that." I see how attentive and compassionate my chemo nurses are and I think the same thing.

So, thank you to those nurses and all my family and friends that stay in touch with me. Thank you to the girls that sent another care package to my treatment center! All of your support is very important to me. :)



On an unrelated note, how cool is this pool I got from Costco? Last year it was $100 and when I stopped by for bread and milk the other night (don't ever stop by a warehouse membership store for just bread and milk) it was only $49 this year so I grabbed it. True, nobody can really SWIM in it but...perfect for the girls to lounge and Noah with the little slide, sprayers and two separate areas with a bench and cup holders for the adult? For the price of one co-pay...I let myself splurge on the kids.

Feeling good today! Since my last treatment fell on a Monday due to our vacation, I had a few extra good days this time and that's been nice.

Tomorrow is treatment day and I'm dreading it. A friend is going with me this time and I'm thankful for that. I'm almost to the halfway mark for chemo and my warrior cry is a bit muffled.

It will be back soon. Until then we're just taking it a day at a time. Tomorrow I get another notch on my belt; another treatment down and that's a good thing. :)

A blessed day

How wonderful to see old friends today! Kathy and Cara came all the way from St. James and Sullivan, MO for a visit. Our friend Laura and her boys met us for a relaxing lunch outside. We all went to high school together 20+ (we realized today) years ago... if you start the count upon us entering high school!

I'm angry, and I'll tell you why. I was so diligent to get my camera battery charged this weekend. I employed painstaking effort to ensure everything was ready to go when I saw my old friends. Then we all yapped so much I forgot I even had my camera. I didn't snap one darn picture.

You all look wonderful; just like you did years ago! What a treat to hang out today... thank you for the flowers, ready to go meals and today's lunch. :)

It was such a nice day that we headed to the park later in the afternoon.

Kisses for mom





Then we had ice cream outside. Not sure what I was thinking. Next time... vanilla.





What a blessed day!

Feeling better!

Thank you for all the nice comments. It is fun to log in and see the responses from you all. :)

Wednesday evening I finally started feeling better. It was like I could feel a darkness LIFTING off me about 5pm. Many doctors (and patients) will tell you that the third or fourth day after chemo is when everything 'hits.' Some people bounce back after one or two bad days. It helps to keep a log of your symptoms, and this is essentially what mine looks like:

Chemo day: Tired
Day 1 Achy, tired
Day 2 Mouth problems begin
Day 3 Mouth problems, tired
Day 4 Mouth problems, tired
Day 5 Mouth problems usually clear up, heartburn and/or lower abdomen pain
Day 6 Heartburn, lower abdomen pain, tired
Day 7 HIT with the peak of uncomfortableness and heartburn
Day 8 Same
Day 9 Pain starts to dull
Day 10 Dulled pain, start to feel better

So, somehow I don't really have a third or fourth 'bad' day...I'm uncomfortable the majority of the time but I seem to get hit with the worse symptoms about a week after chemotherapy. I'm simply told that everyone is different.

So, right on track I started feeling better on about day 9 and 10. I'm thankful that I'm back to feeling like myself. I don't have 100% of my energy but I'll take it!

Have a great Friday evening everyone!

That bitch named chemo

Yes, I used the B word. Chemo is that two-faced friend I keep giving one more try. At some point, (high school, adulthood) haven't most of us had that person in our life that acted one way in front of us, and another behind our back?

That's what chemo is. I want to like her, I really do. She's out there hopefully kicking cancer's tail. But the second I'm not looking that bxxch is smack talking me to everyone she knows. Oh, she may have helped me move into my first apartment. She probably traveled with me to Maui or read a scripture at my wedding. Maybe she bailed me out of jail once, who knows. But watch out, she'll strike when I least expect it.

You're really ticking me off chemotherapy. These gut-wrenching side effects pound me just a little more into the pavement each time. Sure, you have one redeeming quality and since you're hopefully saving my life I will keep you in my address book for a couple more months. Then you're GONE.

More pleasant posts to come when I feel better. :)

The only way out is through.....

I'm five days past treatment and the side effects have come to play. It took three days but I kicked the mouth sores to the curb with the Ny-asty, so right now I just have random aches and pains. That's normal and it basically feels like having the flu.

A week after treatment #2, before the heartburn and lower abdomen pain sucker punched me, my left shoulder began aching out of the blue. It started at 8pm one night and lasted about 24 hours. Everyone in the family took turns massaging my left shoulder and arm.

Now, after treatment #3, my right elbow and wrist feel really out of whack. It's not so much an ache this time; it's more of a shooting pain sensation in my joints. This 'open door policy' of side effects coming and going is pretty bizarre.

All in all I'm very thankful thus far because this week seems to be about the smoothest yet. No real fatigue and no stomach problems yet! I will let myself breathe a sigh of relief in the next few days if this continues. I'm uncomfortable but I'm not doubled over and I haven't seen the inside of any ER.

Noah turned 2 years old and became a different child. It's like his vocabulary doubled overnight. He's been putting very short sentences together (and by short I mean 2 words) but all of a sudden he's comprehending and speaking so much clearer. He adores his big sisters, and when each were out of the room at one point this week he held his little hands palms up at his shoulders and asked "Mommy, where are my sissys??"

He loves playing catch and when I missed his 'throw' this week he said "Mommy can't catch." So fun to be called out by a 2 year old.

My hair has stopped coming out in clumps. I'm still shedding, but not as heavily. My educated guesstimate would be that I have about 40 to 50% of my original hair. I still pretty much wear it normal; I just use a thick headband to disguise all the missing patches in front. I think it works splendidly, but Daniel is always rearranging hair on the back of my head. Apparently it's pretty thin, and I can certainly tell by touch but I never really look back there. Why should I? I can't see it...and if somebody else doesn't like it then they don't have to look either. :)

I'm thankful that so far I have pretty much all my eyebrows and eyelashes (did you think of that when I began talking about hair loss a month ago?) Hopefully they'll just hang with me so I don't look sicker than I may even feel some days! As I predicted...hair on my legs? Still growing.

Today I had the sunroof open in the Jeep at a red light when I noticed everyone... CHILDREN AND ADULTS... staring at me. I wondered if my head looked like a shiny crystal ball with the sun bouncing off it or something. Then I realized I should probably put some sun block on the patchy areas, huh? My first inclination was to make a rude gesture, but I would never do that. I just waved at Mr., Mrs., Jr. and Princess Gawker as if we were old buddies.

Another thing I'm thankful for is the one or two lymphoma discussion boards I've joined. My doctor is doing a great job, but HE'S NEVER HAD CANCER. :) It's so nice to hear some of the freaky things I'm experiencing from lymphoma are sometimes actually pretty common, whether they are published in a medical journal or not. Having new friends that can make recommendations on some of these things is such a blessing.

We're forever telling our girls "There are no shortcuts..." on homework, chores.. anything in the moment. Do the job thoroughly and you'll be proud of it later. The same applies to me; and as a cancer survivor friend stated... the only way out is through.

The girls won't be with us for Easter but I'm glad they will have a nice holiday at their mom's house. Noah has a little suit so we'll see if he keeps it on. Pictures to come.